I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
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*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame