80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
So inspired right now.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
podcasts
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…