*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
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[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.