“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
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I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!