Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
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“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
i spent way too long on this
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now