*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
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robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
*has no idea what a book even is*
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.