Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
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me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?