I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
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*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
It’s actually Dr. whatever
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs