@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
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Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.