If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
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It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.