COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
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I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played