Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
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Where is that goddamn asteroid already
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Oh. My. God.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.