I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
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My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party