I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
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“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
That stupid look on my face, is my face
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise