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I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
prepare for carbonated trouble
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money