I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
This is a whole mood;
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this