Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
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I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.