Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
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Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
This makes total sense…
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?