“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
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i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
My god she’s good.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
What if the weather talks about us?
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome