I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
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Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.