[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
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Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
LOL!
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.