In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
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Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
What the hell happened in there??
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?