(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
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[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I did not eat the cake…
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”