Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
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If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here