Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
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Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Science memes
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Anyone really
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!