Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital