[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
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Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”