Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
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Britain be like
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.