One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
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“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.