I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
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H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Yup….perfect score!
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Is this a threat?
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*