EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
You Might Also Like
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.