There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
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Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
A French press is when you hug naked
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?