9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
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The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”