Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
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Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.