one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
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So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Swedish for common sense.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.