Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
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Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
uh oh
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Do one person every day that scares you.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.