Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
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He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
much to think about
I’ve named my couch American Idle.