If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
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High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.