*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
*jingles half the way*
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly