if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
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cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?