[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
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[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
What a chick magnet..
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.