You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
You Might Also Like
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Think I pulled my liver
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah