[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
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Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Boom, boom, ching!
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family