CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
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My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.