My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
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BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?