Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
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me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
welp
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
*mops up wine with cat*
Camping tip: No.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
nice challenge
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.