Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
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(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2