if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
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Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Cat.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.