[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
You Might Also Like
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!