My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
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*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Pigeon open mic night.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.